Barflies
by Subieko
Summary: Kabuto and Sakura walk into a bar... A cracktastic genfic set during the timeskip.
1. Surrounded By Idiots

Author's Note: This fic answers the unasked question 'if Kabuto and Sakura hung out in bars together and complained about their lives, what would they say?' Basically, this idea was born like this: Naruto-verse ninjas are mostly pretty stupid. The ones we're told are very smart--like Kabuto and Sakura--are actually of normal intelligence; it's all relative. Thus, they are basically surrounded by idiots _all the time_. So of course they need alcohol to help cope. And it turned into...this. Crack with a side of angst. If you can, please enjoy it. (laughs)

Note: all the incidents they complain about are taken from the manga. I didn't bother making any up, because canon has plenty.

Chapter 1: Surrounded By Idiots

_(Sakura and Kabuto are both surrounded by idiots...and what better way to cope than an underage drinking binge? Yeah, that's not gonna end well.)_

It was dark and noisy at the tavern, and Sakura was fine with that. Nobody would notice one more patron with this crowd. Her mission was finished, and she had some time before she needed to head back to Konoha, so surely there was no harm in grabbing a drink or two. Or three. Or however many it took to ease her extremely pissed-off thoughts.

Stupid mission. Stupid clients who underpaid her for this piece of shit mission. Stupid shinobi who had missranked the mission, leaving her underprepared. At least she'd learned enough medical jutsu by now to fix her broken arm. It was still sore, though, and probably would be at least until morning.

"Sake," Sakura said to the man at the bar, who took one look at her face and didn't ask for ID. No one refused a shinobi some alcohol, even if she _was_ underage.

A bottle and a small cup were soon set in front of her. Sakura ignored the cup in favor of swigging straight from the bottle.

"Gaah!" she choked, barely managing to keep it down. Okay, so it was stronger than she'd thought. No problem. Sakura could handle her alcohol; she'd learned from the best. Soon enough she was ordering a second bottle. Feeling a little better already, she began grumbling about the stupid mission.

"Would you shut the hell up?" came an annoyed mumble from off to her right. Glancing over, Sakura realized she wasn't the only shinobi drinking her brains out tonight.

"Shit," she said, reaching for some shurikan.

"Save it," Kabuto said, ignoring her in favor of downing more alcohol. "Really not in the mood right now."

Sakura considered this. Yes, he was a criminal and she should therefore apprehend him and drag him back to Konoha, but it wasn't like he was going anywhere, and she'd already paid for her next drink.

"Idiots," he was mumbling to himself. "_Idiots_." Sakura was planning to ignore him and go back to drowning her sorrows in cheap sake, but then Kabuto turned to her. "I am _surrounded_ by _idiots_."

Well, she couldn't just let that stand. Waving to the bartender to bring her another, she turned. "Are you calling me an idiot?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed this," Kabuto rambled on. "Everywhere! Why is everyone so _stupid_!?"

"Well...maybe you're stupid," Sakura said. She was quite pleased with this insult. She was also starting to wonder who was making the room wobble like that, because she had half a mind to punch the asshole's face in. Another drink would help, though.

"Lie to her, I said. Don't mention the invasion. She won't have heard about it, I said. But does anyone listen to me? No, of course not. So I end up getting hit in the stomach with the Ransengan. Great plan. Just great!" Kabuto said, waving one gloved hand in her face.

"Oh yeah?" Sakura replied, knocking back the last of her current bottle. "You think _you_ have problems? You think _you_ can say that to _me_ after you blow up my home, kill the Sandaime, and kidnap one of my best friends!? You think you have problems!?"

"Because those were all my ideas, obviously," Kabuto said. "No, if we'd followed _my_ plan, none of this would have happened! So you want to kidnap Sasuke? Fine, I said. I'll knock him out, bring him back, and be done with it. _Then_ we can invade Konoha. That would've been a great plan! But no, we had to go through some stupid plan with the Chuunin Exam. I'm a spy! I'm not a babysitter!"

"And now Naruto's left as well, and Kakashi's off on missions, it's like everyone is getting stronger and stronger and I'm still behind them, I just can't catch up, no matter how much I train, and everyone treats me like I'm some kind of damn victim, like I need their pity!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so pitiful!" Kabuto said.

"You want to try saying that to my face?" Sakura demanded, conveniently forgetting that he just had. Maybe. Someone must be playing with the lights, because things were a little dim at this point.

"Maybe I will!"

"Well maybe you should!"

"Well maybe I don't feel like it!"

"Yeah, well...well why don't you shut the hell up?" Sakura finally said, proud of her clever retort. There was no way he could come back from that one.

"But seriously, what the hell do you have to complain about, huh? I had to fight Tsunade. _Tsunade_. She blew up a building with her index finger, and I had to fight her!"

"Oh yeah?" Sakura said. "You think that's bad? The village elders wanted to make Jiraiya the Hokage!"

Kabuto paused.

"Well?" Sakura said, smirking.

"...fine. You win that one. But at least the Leaf shinobi can _count_! 'Sound Four', honestly..."

"You think Leaf is so great?" Sakura snorted derisively. "Naruto has to ask me to read our mission assignments for him, because they're in kanji, and _he can't read them_! And Sasuke isn't fooling anyone, crumpling them up like he doesn't care! He can't do it either!"

"It's terrible!" Kabuto told her.

"I know!" Sakura said, groping for the next bottle.

"And yet, none of them ever _listens_! You give them a brilliant plan, and they just ignore you!"

"I explain and explain, and what do I get for my trouble? Nothing! Why did _I_ have to teach Naruto about chakra, Kakashi-sensei's our damn teacher!"

"It's insanity," Kabuto said. "Pure insanity." Looking at the number of bottles in front of Sakura, he paused. "...don't you think that's enough?"

"Shut up," Sakura said, taking another swig. "My teammates couldn't even do the tree-climbing exercise..."

Kabuto gave her a look of horror. Apparently unable to find any words consoling enough, he patted her shoulder. "At least they wouldn't be fooled by dog tracks made with a stick."

"I wouldn't count on it," Sakura said. The room was starting to spin. "It's just so...so...frustrating!"

"It's beyond words," Kabuto said, edging away from Sakura; if she started vomiting, he was _not_ going to be sitting next to her.

"Absolutely," Sakura said. "It's all...it's like there's just this...it's..." She shook her head, trying to grab the sake bottle. She missed.

"Mm-hm," Kabuto said, still eyeing her warily. "Quite the problem. You really might want to slow down there."

"I can handle it!" Sakura insisted. "My master...drinks more than this for breakfast..."

She was about to elaborate, but everything was starting to go dark, and the last thing Sakura heard was a soft "I told you so."


	2. The Morning After

Author's Note: So...yes. Another chapter of crack. Er...enjoy it? (laughs)

Chapter 2: The Morning After

_(in which Sakura wakes up after passing out drunk...and gets a rather unpleasant surprise. Also in which Kabuto accidentally-on-purpose implies that they had angry, drunken hate-sex, even though they didn't. He probably did rifle through her stuff, though; he IS a spy.)_

Sakura groaned, her eyelids fluttering. Why did her head feel like someone had set off an explosive tag inside of it? What had she been doing last night...?

Pain meant she was injured. So she should heal herself. Right. That seemed like a good idea, Sakura decided as she tried to cudgel her weary brain into something halfway resembling coherent thought. Gathering her energy, she sat up and opened her eyes.

Gentle sunlight stabbed through them at once, and her stomach protested violently. Doubling over in agony, Sakura retched.

"I told you not to drink so much," came a voice from behind her. Someone was holding back her hair and gently rubbing her back. This set off alarm bells in Sakura's head, but she couldn't quite place why. Her normally sharp mind felt gummed over, it was moving so slowly.

Sakura tried to get up, wanting to see who was behind her--a shinobi knew better than to let _any _unknown person get behind them, no matter how helpful they were being--and promptly dropped to her knees again, clamping her mouth shut as she tried to keep her stomach in check.

"I wouldn't move around too much if I were you."

_Now you tell me_, Sakura thought to herself, scowling. She was going to give whoever-it-was a piece of her mind. A very painful piece. Shaped like a fist. Inner Sakura cheered her on gleefully.

Before she could do that, however, her mysterious helper got up to go get something from a rickety table that was propped up with a box of medical supplies. Sakura distinctly remembered finding an inn that wasn't a cesspool of filth, and couldn't understand how she'd ended up in this dump, wherever it was. Or why her bag was sitting on the table alongside someone else's.

"Here, drink this. You'll feel better."

Sakura was about to refuse and punch the man right in the jaw--no shinobi would just drink something handed to her by a stranger--when she caught a flash of silvery hair. Oh. So it was Kakashi-sensei who was helping her. Sakura smiled gratefully and took the cup he offered. She drank a few sips, and her head began to clear a little. With a sigh of relief, Sakura looked up to thank her teacher.

"With all that we medic nins can do, we still haven't found a cure for hangovers," said a silver-haired man who was definitely _not_ Kakashi.

_Shit!_ was about all Sakura's shocked mind could produce as she fumbled for a kunai. Kabuto was at the advantage, though, and smiled at her before turning to throw the window open even wider. Sunlight enveloped the shabby room, and Sakura dropped the kunai in favor of covering her eyes. Why the hell did her head hurt so much!? What had she been _doing_ last night?

"So suspicious!" Kabuto said, smirking. God dammit, she wanted to punch the smirk right off his face, if only her head didn't hurt quite so much and her stomach wasn't still threatening to rebel. "Even after we spent the night together, you still don't trust me..."

"Why the hell would I trust you, you--" Sakura's mind suddenly finished processing what he'd said. "We WHAT!?"

"I probably could have phrased that better," Kabuto said while Sakura frantically checked to make sure she was still wearing all of her clothes. Seeing them safely in place didn't reassure her too much, though.

At her look of wide-eyed horror, Kabuto relented. "Spent the night together as in, I spent the night waiting for you to wake up after you passed out drunk."

Last night...it was starting to come back to her. Suddenly, Sakura was feeling a lot more sympathy for her mentor. Hangovers really _were_ that bad.

"You should drink the rest of that. It'll help," Kabuto said as he checked through his supplies. Sakura had to be getting home herself...not that she felt up to traveling at the moment.

She glanced down at the cup in her hands, then back at Kabuto. It hadn't killed her so far, and whatever hideous organ-melting poison he might be able to come up with couldn't possibly be worse than the pounding in her head. Shrugging, she downed the rest of it and set the cup on the floor beside her.

Sakura looked up when she heard the door open. "So long, Sakura-chan. I paid this time, so you can get the next one, hm?"

"The next time we meet will be when Naruto and I kick your ass and bring Sasuke-kun home," Sakura said, glaring at the medic's retreating back.

"Right," Kabuto said. "Until next time, then."

He shut the door behind him, and Sakura leaned back against the wall. "Bastard," she muttered. There was definitely _not_ going to be a next time, because there shouldn't have even been a this time, and it was completely accidental anyway. And if Sakura had anything to do with it, no one would ever hear about this. _Ever_.

Groaning, she got up and stretched. Sakura decided she was never getting drunk again; this wasn't worth it. No wonder they called it one of the three sins of the shinobi...

Sakura slowly checked through her pack to make sure everything was still there--it _had_ been left unattended with a spy. Huh. Surprisingly, nothing had been touched...at least as far as she could tell. Deciding to just accept her good fortune, Sakura shouldered the bag and headed down to the first floor of the inn. She supposed she should leave some money--for all she knew Kabuto had skipped out and left her with the bill--even though it was filthy enough that Sakura wanted to take about fifty showers when she got home. Oh well.

It was when she took out her wallet that she realized it was a lot lighter than it should have been. Scowling, she ran out the door, where Kabuto was walking along the street without a care in the world.

"You bastard--you didn't pay!" Sakura shouted after him, shaking her half-emptied wallet. Damn it, if she'd been at full strength she would've punched him into next week.

"I _did_ pay," Kabuto called over his shoulder. "With your money."

"You--you--" Sakura was reduced to inarticulate shrieks of rage as the spy disappeared down a side street.

"Young people these days," Sakura heard a woman say as she passed by. "When I was their age, we didn't have lovers' quarrels out in public where anyone could hear them!"

Sakura clenched her teeth. She wanted so badly to smash something--preferably a large something, perhaps a certain squalid inn--into several billion pieces, just to release the tension. She was trying not to fantasize about punching the woman who had just spoken. Just an innocent bystander. Had no idea what she was saying, or that it was completely impossible. Sakura could think of several thousand reasons why, most of them being 'it's Kabuto'.

But Sakura still wasn't feeling well, and felt she ought to conserve her energy. So she turned around and started for Konoha. There were several long days of travel ahead.

"I'm _never_ drinking again," Sakura muttered.


	3. Not So Different

Author's Story: In which there is even more cracktastic-ness, but also some angst. Thank you for reading and reviewing, my readers/reviewers...hope you enjoy this chapter. (smiles)

Chapter 3: Not So Different

_(In which Kabuto strives to convince Sakura that they really aren't all that different. And that they should therefore hang out and be all bff. XD Also in which Kabuto is kind of a stalker, now that I think about it.)_

Weeks passed, and Sakura mostly forgot about her strange encounter. She was so busy training with Tsunade-shishou and running missions that she had no time to think about much else.

Until one particular mission took her to Lightning Country, to receive an important scroll from a Leaf informant there.

The mission itself wasn't that difficult--go in dressed as a civilian, meet up with the informant at the local tavern, get the scroll, and head home. The scroll was soon tucked securely in her traveling pack, and the informant had bid her goodnight. Sakura was just finishing off the drink she had bought for courtesy's sake, satisfied with a mission gone well.

"We meet again, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura froze, willing herself to stay calm and not attract any attention. As far as anyone in this tavern knew, she was a civilian, and her mission meant keeping up that illusion. Which Kabuto clearly knew, based on the smirk. God _dammit_ she hated that smirk.

"If you start a fight here, civilians will be injured. You don't have the strength to beat me anyway, and you know I'll just escape if you try to capture me. There's no point," he said, sliding onto the bar stool next to her.

"I hate you," Sakura said, staring into her drink with a face so stiff it might have been stone.

"Charming. So, what brings you to Lightning Country?"

"I have nothing to say to you, traitor."

Kabuto was still smiling, but it looked more crafty now, and that made Sakura nervous. "A traitor? Oh no, not me, Sakura-chan. You can't be a traitor if you were never loyal in the first place."

"That's just semantics," Sakura said flatly. "You betrayed Konoha. You kidnapped my friend."

"Isn't being a shinobi all about subtlety? Semantics is practically our art form. You say I'm a traitor; I say I was loyal, just not to Leaf. And you can't kidnap the willing."

"I don't trust a word that comes out of your mouth," Sakura said, getting up. "This conversation is over."

"Don't be so hasty. What's the harm?"

"You're a criminal."

"If I'm a criminal, so are you."

Sakura paused, staring at him. "What?"

He was still smiling at her. "We're not so different, Sakura-chan. Once you get past the surface details, we're really much the same."

"No," she said automatically. "We're nothing alike."

"Both medics," he pointed out, and she wondered how the hell he knew she was training to be a medic. "Both considered the weakest of our teams when we were probably the smartest. Both good at hiding." She was not good at hiding. She wasn't hiding anything (except the pain, the pain and the loneliness and her fears of being left behind and Inner Sakura and oh God he wasn't starting to make _sense_ was he?). "Both loyal to people who don't give a damn about us. So much in common, don't you think?"

Sakura wanted to scream at him that he was _wrong wrong wrong_ because they were nothing alike, she was a loyal shinobi of Konoha and he was a traitor who stole Sasuke from them and destroyed Team 7 and Naruto had nearly _died_ chasing after the Sound--

But all of her very rational reasons why they were completely different were just not coming out of her mouth for some reason.

"Right now, I have no interest in harming you, and you don't have the ability to harm me. But I know you _want_ to. You want to get Sasuke-kun back, and I'm the only link you have to him right now. So really, it's in your best interest to talk to me."

Still smiling. Suspicious. Very suspicious and she should be leaving, she should be walking out that door but damn if what he was saying wasn't starting to make sense.

"You're training with Tsunade now, right?" And how exactly did he know that? Sakura wasn't sure she really wanted to know. "So you're getting stronger. You're not strong enough now, but maybe one day..."

"What's in it for you?" Sakura managed to get past her clenched teeth. Control. She was a shinobi, control, _control_, she was not going to try strangling this man until he told her where Sasuke was, she didn't have that kind of strength. _Yet_.

"You amuse me."

Damn, did she hate him.

Mostly because somehow, she had gone from not trusting a word he said to actually believing him.

"See you next time, then." Seeing the confusion on her face, Kabuto paused. "Don't worry--I'll keep in touch." With that, he was out the door.

Damn. How the hell had this happened, again?

Sakura decided not to think about it. Time to head home. It would take several days. Luckily there were villages to stop in on the way; she'd had to leave most of her camping equipment behind in order to blend in as a civilian.

Maybe--just because she felt like it, just on a whim--she'd stop off at a few taverns while she was there. Maybe.


	4. Useful Information

Chapter 4: Useful Information

_(In which Sakura tries to outwit a spy, and hopes she'll have better luck next time.)_

By the time Sakura got back to Konoha, she'd rationalized the whole thing into a manageable form. It was like a long-term information-gathering mission, she told herself. If she talked to him long enough, surely she'd find out something useful, something that would get them closer to Sasuke, something she could proudly present to Naruto as a welcome-home present when his training was finished. Something that would lead to the repair of Team 7. It all made sense when she thought of it like that.

It was almost a month until she got another mission that required her to travel very far. Not out of Fire Country, just to a nearby village to apprehend a minor criminal, but still...there was a chance...

She still wasn't strong enough for a fight. Sakura knew that. But that didn't mean it didn't bother the hell out of her.

_Someday_, she told herself. _Someday, Naruto and I will bring Sasuke back together_. And until that day arrived, she would keep preparing herself. Training, researching...and gathering information.

The battle with the criminal wasn't much trouble; she was a shinobi, after all, and this man was only a thug. But since she'd had to take him alive, it was of course more difficult, and she'd gotten a scratch or two. So Sakura felt that, with the criminal safely in the town's jail, she'd earned herself a good stiff drink.

Sakura tried not to get too tense as she stood outside the bar. Nothing was going to happen; she was still in Fire Country, her own territory, so to speak. Not that that had ever stopped the Sound before...

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door, and...

Nothing. The bar was nearly empty, filled only with a handful of civilians. Sakura let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Stupid of her to get so worked up...

"What a coincidence, Sakura-chan!"

_Dammit!_ Sakura spun around, kunai in hand, cursing herself for letting him get behind her.

"Always so suspicious of me..." Kabuto said, holding up his empty hands. "I'm really not going to start anything."

"Like I'll believe that," Sakura said, but she put her kunai away. No need to cause trouble for the people of this town, especially since there were no other shinobi close by to back her up. Starting a pointless fight would be stupid.

Kabuto shrugged and walked past her. Sakura warred with herself for a moment. Part of her wanted to call in reinforcements, but the logical part of her mind knew that they'd never arrive in time. Kabuto could just flee, and would be far out of reach before any other shinobi arrived.

So she sat down next to him instead and ordered a beer. At this point, she needed one.

After a long silence, Sakura finally brought herself to say it. "How is he?"

"How is who?"

Bastard. He knew damn well who she meant. "Sasuke-kun."

Kabuto considered this for a moment. "Annoying. Never thought I'd have to babysit any of you brats again after the Chuunin exam..."

"So he's not--not hurt," Sakura said, her voice shaking. How pathetic...but she and Naruto had been worrying about Sasuke for more than six months now. Hearing that he was safe and well was a relief.

"He's a shinobi. Of course he gets hurt," Kabuto said. Sakura looked up sharply, but then he continued. "And every time he picks a fight, _I_ have to heal him. Brat."

Sakura couldn't hold back her smile. "That's...good to hear."

"What made you think we'd hurt him after we went to so much trouble to get him in the first place?" Kabuto asked her.

Sakura shot him a glare. "Someone like you wouldn't understand."

"Of course not," Kabuto said, and Sakura was again tempted to punch him just to make him stop smirking at her for half a second. "And how are you, Sakura-chan? Training going well?"

"Why should I tell you anything?" She might be acting a little paranoid, but the less information she gave him, the better.

"Because if you don't, I won't have any reason to tell _you_ anything."

Damn. Well...it couldn't hurt as long as she didn't say anything too specific. "It's fine. I'm fine."

"That's nice to hear, even though it's a lie."

"What did you just--it's the truth!"

Again with the smirking. "You can lie with your words, but not with your face, Sakura-chan. You need more practice."

"But I didn't lie," Sakura said, annoyed and confused. It was galling to be accused of lying by someone whose entire life was based on deceit.

"If you say so," Kabuto said, shrugging, and somehow that annoyed Sakura even more. If he was going to say something like that, then he'd damn well better explain it.

"No--what was that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"Your face tells me you aren't 'fine'. Something is troubling you. But I don't really care, so it's fine if you don't want to talk about it."

"You're not going to get information out of me that easily," Sakura said. Such an obvious attempt to get her to slip up and say something important...she hated being underestimated.

"You really are the suspicious type."

"Around you, I need to be."

"Well...I won't deny it..."

"Damn right you won't," Sakura said, taking a sip of her beer. She wanted to ask so many things--he hadn't really told her that Sasuke was all right. Did Sasuke want to return? He had to, didn't he? They had to be holding him by force...and what were they planning to do to him? The mark on his neck, that Curse Seal, had it gotten worse? But she couldn't bring herself to say anything. It would be pitiful to beg for scraps of information from the enemy.

"He really is fine," Kabuto said, interrupting her thoughts. "You don't need to worry so much."

"I didn't--"

"Your face did."

She really hated when he did that. "Just...give me a straight answer. Is he doing well?"

"Very," Kabuto said. "He spends most of his time training." Kabuto conveniently neglected to mention that Sasuke also spent his time picking fights (and getting injured in them), wandering around because he couldn't deal with his thoughts if he sat still too long, and occasionally demanding drugs to help him sleep (Kabuto suspected nightmares; whether about his brother or his former village, he wasn't sure). Telling Sakura any of this would just upset her, and Kabuto really wasn't in the mood to deal with a crying thirteen-year-old.

Sakura smiled a little. "...I'm glad." They would bring him home soon. Once Naruto got back, they would go together and bring Sasuke home, and every piece of information she could get would help. The Sound wanted Sasuke for some reason, so he would be safe until she and Naruto could find him and rescue him from them.

There was a silence while both of them drank. Sakura had a feeling she wouldn't get much more information at this point; really, she'd been fortunate just to be told that Sasuke was healthy. But there would be a next time, and eventually, she would get a location. Even the smallest details could help narrow down the possibilities; something as simple as the weather could suggest what region they were hiding in.

"There's an escort mission coming up," Sakura said abruptly. "In three weeks. I'll probably take it. It's out on the edge of Wave Country...I might go see how Tazuna-san is doing. See the bridge." She tried to make it sound casual, just a bit of a smalltalk, so that it wouldn't be her doing if they just happened to run into each other again. And anyway, telling him herself was probably better than being stalked.

"Have fun with that, Sakura-chan."

"I'm sure I will," she said, and didn't bother saying goodbye.


	5. Familiar Insanity

Author's Note: Just so it's clear, I happen think Sakura's hair goes just fine with her red dress. (laughs) Well...enjoy!

Chapter 5: Familiar Insanity

_(The insanity of all this is starting to become familiar to Sakura. That doesn't worry her as much as it should. Also in which Sakura and Kabuto sound like preteen girls gossiping. XD)_

Every few weeks, they ran into each other. Not really ran into each other, Sakura supposed, since that implied the meeting was accidental. But since Kabuto was the spy and therefore the one figuring out when their schedules intersected--or, more accurately, causing his to intersect with hers--Sakura could keep pretending that they weren't meeting because of her. That on her part, this was all just a very long, highly improbable series of coincidences.

She really tried quite hard to believe that.

Sakura hadn't gotten any useful information out of Kabuto yet, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that he hadn't gotten anything out of her, either. That she knew of. Unless the fact that the top Ino was wearing last week was _so_ not fashionable, or the color of Tsunade-shishou's shoes (_lime green_, honestly), or how her shift in the hospital had gone, or any of the other random crap they talked about was somehow considered useful information.

Sakura tried not to think too much about how stupid she probably sounded when they talked.

"So then she said that red totally clashed with my hair, can you believe that?"

"Shocking. Can't believe anyone would come to that conclusion, Sakura-chan."

"Are you saying it does!?"

He always managed to dodge her punches, probably because she didn't try very hard to hit him.

She did get information from him on occasion, but it was never very _useful_ information. Still, it made Sakura happy and miserable all at once to hear it, so she never stopped him from talking.

"Seriously, I don't know how Sasuke-kun survived on his own for so long. He can't cook worth a damn. If he didn't eat that garbage himself, I'd swear he was trying to poison everyone within a ten mile radius."

Sakura was starting to realize that there was an awful lot she didn't know about her teammate (and any time Kabuto called him her _former_ teammate she tried to punch him for real. Irritatingly, he still dodged it.), and it bothered her to think that maybe, just maybe, this spy, this stranger who was not one of them, might know Sasuke better than she did.

But she couldn't help the feelings of anguished pleasure when she heard his name from someone who actually saw Sasuke on a daily basis, heard confirmation that he was safe and well.

"If anything happens to him, I really will punch you," she told him sometimes.

"If anything happens to Sasuke-kun, you will be the least of my worries," he always replied.

She was learning to hold her liquor better, to pace herself, to know which drinks she could drink in bulk and which ones were too strong for her. She was also learning that Kabuto didn't drink as much as he pretended to, and never got drunk, or even intoxicated enough to be on less than full alert. The way a shinobi should be.

She refused to drink anything once he showed up at one point. But he had just laughed at her. "Don't worry, Sakura-chan, I won't try anything." And she hadn't been able to back down after that, because she refused to even have the appearance of fear.

And as crazy as it was, she was starting to believe him when he said he didn't have any interest in harming her.

It was an understanding between them that they didn't bring up the bizarreness of the situation. Of course, Kabuto had no problem breaking all kinds of rules of appropriate conduct.

"You know, Sakura-chan, someday we may face each other in battle. What will you do then?"

Sakura just smirked, something she had picked up from him. "What do you think? I'll kick your ass and bring Sasuke home."

He smiled back. "If you can."

They didn't talk about it again after that. Just went back to meeting semi-regularly, talking about nothing important for reasons that were getting less and less clear to Sakura.

It was all becoming familiar, a routine, and that was so completely insane that Sakura didn't even want to think about it.


	6. Hung Over

Author's Note: I've never actually drunk alcohol, and thus have never been drunk, so I apologize if any of my descriptions of hangovers are inaccurate. ...there's an apology I never thought I'd be making...(laughs) Well...hope you enjoy.

Chapter 6: Hung Over

_(In which Kabuto and Sakura begin their work on their epic Hangover Cure no Jutsu. Oh yeah, that's made of awesome.)_

"You really need to be more careful what you drink," Kabuto said as he once again held Sakura's hair away from her face while she threw up. She wanted to punch him--oh _God_ did she want to punch him--but right now she really didn't have the energy.

"And you'll have a terrible hangover tomorrow," he continued. "Really, no matter what's going wrong with your training, it can't be worth this."

Sakura sat up and shoved him away. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she said, "What makes you think there's anything going wrong with my training?"

"There must be some reason you drank that much more than usual," Kabuto explained. "And your training seemed like a logical guess. Learning a difficult technique, I suppose?"

Sakura glared at him, but accepted the hand he offered to pull her to her feet. "Working on antidotes and poisons."

"I would've thought you'd be good at that," Kabuto said, supporting Sakura's shaky steps as they headed to a nearby bench so Sakura could at least collapse somewhere other than the middle of the street.

"I am," Sakura said as she eased herself onto the bench. "But I'm still having trouble with getting all of the poison out with a removal jutsu."

"Let me see you do it," Kabuto suggested.

The look on Sakura's face said it all.

"I _am_ a medic, in case you've forgotten. I may be able to give you some tips."

"I don't need your help," Sakura said, taking deep, steadying breaths.

"You mean you're too drunk to mold chakra right now," he corrected, smirking.

"I hate you."

"So you've said. It really is too bad there's no medical jutsu to help with this."

Sakura couldn't help but agree with that. They sat in silence for a while, and Sakura decided that this time, she really wouldn't ever drink so much again. Not only was she miserably ill now, she knew just how bad the hangover would be in the morning.

"No, there _should_ be a jutsu for it," Kabuto said suddenly. He had apparently been deep in thought while Sakura was trying to keep what remained of her stomach contents from splattering all over the pavement.

"Well, there isn't," she said, wishing he'd just shut up and let her suffer in peace. Talking was not helping the pounding at her temples.

"Then someone should invent one," Kabuto said, giving Sakura a look.

A pause. Then--"No. No way. That would be a complete waste of time."

He just raised an eyebrow, looking at her sorry state.

"...maybe not a complete waste."

"How hard could it be? We're both medics, and we have easy access to a large supply of drunks," he said, gesturing to the bar they had left. "And it would be very practical. Your mentor would certainly appreciate it, I'm sure."  
That gave Sakura pause. She had to help Tsunade-shishou after a drinking bout on a regular basis, and having a jutsu specifically for it really would be useful. "How would it work?"

"Not sure yet. Maybe change the alcohol in the body into something else, like a protein?"

Sakura nodded slowly. That was somewhat similar to how the poison neutralizing jutsus she'd been studying worked. "But it would have to deal with the immediate symptoms as well."

"Unless it was applied before drinking, and prevented the target from getting drunk in the first place."

"Maybe...but wouldn't that require more chakra?"

"Yes, but it might be simpler to apply."

"What about some kind of drug? Almost like an antidote."

"That's a possibility as well..."

They stayed on the bench for some time after that, debating the merits of various techniques to cure drunkenness and hangovers, and Sakura almost forgot about her headache. It really was rather interesting. They only finally parted ways when it started to get cold, with the promise to do some research until the next time they met.

It didn't occur to Sakura how disturbingly friendly that had been until she was halfway home.


	7. Vote of Confidence

Author's Note: Wheee, another chapter! Notes for this chapter: in canon, it never really specifies exactly how the Chuunin Exams work (whether they're always in Leaf, whether the tests are the same each time, or at least the same type, how sells with one or more members already passed take it, etc.), so I just left it vague and made a few guesses...heh. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 7: Vote of Confidence

_(In which Sakura tries to decide whether or not to take the Chuunin Exams, and Kabuto thinks she should.)_

By the time they finished the Hangover Cure no Jutsu (they were still working on a better name), more months had passed. The finished product _was_ pretty good--it dealt with headache and nausea, and removed any alcohol currently in the body. If Tsunade had noticed that Sakura was doing a little extra research in her free time, she just approved of her apprentice's studiousness. And if she noticed that Sakura was getting better at helping her with her hangovers, she just appreciated it without really wondering why.

But while Sakura had been occupied with their admittedly fun project, she had forgotten something.

Something being the approaching Chuunin Exams, of course.

Tsunade had told her she would recommend her if she wanted to take them, and it was clear she expected Sakura to do it. But Sakura was less confident. Was she really ready? Last time she'd taken the exam, she had done it without really knowing what she was getting into. And then...Naruto and Sasuke had been with her...they had taken it as a team, as Team 7...

The Chuunin Exams...that was when Sasuke had gotten the Curse Seal, when the whole mess had started. When Lee had gotten so badly injured. When Hinata had nearly died. When the Sound had attacked and the Third had been killed.

But it was also when Sakura had finally reached the level of her rival, Ino, the one she admired. It was when she had fought to defend her team and succeeded. It was when she had found her inner strength.

With so many conflicting thoughts chasing each other around her head, it was no wonder Sakura decided she needed a good drinking session.

"You look troubled, Sakura-chan."

Of course, she'd decided to go out drinking after a mission (escorting a minor noble to his home). And of course, that meant certain people who couldn't take a hint just _had_ to bother her.

"Go away."

"Oh, come now. If you're going to brood, you might as well have company," Kabuto said, sitting beside Sakura at the bar.

Sakura figured she had no chance of getting rid of him, so she sighed and took another swig of her beer. Cheap beer, not exactly great-tasting, but it would do.

"Let me guess," Kabuto said, because he could never just leave it alone, "The Chuunin Exams?"

She hated when he did that. "I'm not sure whether I should take them."

For once, Sakura had managed to surprise Kabuto. "Why?"

Sakura just shrugged. She didn't feel like exploring all of her worries and memories and emotional baggage with Kabuto, of all people.

"I'm honestly curious, Sakura-chan. Why wouldn't you take the exam?"

"Why should I?" Sakura shot back. "My training isn't finished yet."

"Is there some reason you can't train as a chuunin?" Kabuto said. As reasonable as it was, it still pissed Sakura off.

"What difference does it make to you?"

Kabuto just smiled at her. "I just wondered why someone who is obviously at the chuunin level refuses to take the exam. Don't tell me you're nervous."

"It doesn't matter if I wait for the next one," Sakura said, dodging the implied question. "More training can't hurt."

"I watched you take the last exam. I know your skill level."

"We only got through the exam because you got us our second scroll."

Kabuto shook his head. "You did most of the work yourselves. I just kept an eye on you. And you were at a disadvantage, since the Sound genin were ordered to attack you."

Sakura just shrugged again. They hadn't been ready for the exam then, and she didn't feel ready now. And it felt wrong, somehow, taking it without her teammates.

"I assume you'll be taking it with Team 10? That blonde girl and the Akimichi boy? They're missing a member, after all. You're friends with them, so I'm sure you'll work well together."

"_If_ I take it," Sakura added. Taking it with Ino and Chouji...they probably would work well together. They could start training now...

"It's in Suna this time, isn't it? Maybe I'll come watch you in the finals."

"You're a wanted criminal in Suna," Sakura pointed out. "And we might not make it to the finals."

"Well, that's true," he said. "I haven't seen your friends in...it's almost two years now. So I can't say if they're strong enough to make it. But I wouldn't mind coming just to watch you."

"_If_ I take it," Sakura said again, although she couldn't help feeling flattered. A little creeped out, but flattered all the same.

"Mmhm," Kabuto said, standing up. "I look forward to it, Sakura-chan."

Sakura rolled her eyes. Stupid asshole, always making assumptions about what she was going to do. And he'd left her to pay _again_.

Two months later, after Sakura had left the post-exam celebration with her new chuunin vest in hand, she noticed a package in her mailbox. Written across the top was 'congratulations, Sakura-chan'. She shook her head, smiling. Bastard. Always assuming things. She opened it as she walked inside.

It was a bottle of sake.


	8. Advice

Author's Note: This is chapter is pure crack, just to give warning. I leave it to the reader's imagination what exactly each of them is talking about. XD

Chapter 8: Advice

_(In which Sakura provides Kabuto with advice on a rather different subject than the one he intended.)_

Sakura knew something was wrong when she was the one who snuck up on Kabuto for once. He had probably intended to meet up with her--why else would he just happen to be in the town where she was on a mission?--but still, usually she never saw him coming.

So when she walked into a crowded tavern and spotted someone with silver hair slumped over the bar, it would be an understatement to say she was surprised. And suspicious, of course. But not worried. Definitely not worried.

Which was exactly why the first thing out of her mouth was "What's wrong with you?" Yeah, not worried at all.

Curse her compassionate side.

"Oh, it's you," Kabuto mumbled, not looking up from his drink.

There was a short silence, in which Sakura waved over the bartender and snagged a large jug of sake, without bothering to get a cup. She had a feeling she was going to need it.

"What's so great about him anyway, huh?" Kabuto said abruptly, turning to glare at Sakura like this was her fault. Yeah, she was definitely going to need that sake. "Just because he has punctuation marks in his eyes, that makes him so wonderful? Stupid bloodline limits."

Sakura wasn't sure if a sympathetic pat on the back was the right move here. If it was Naruto, she'd consider it, but in this case...

"He has a terrible personality. I don't know what you ever saw in him, either. He just complains and goes on and on and on about his training and how he's going to kill his brother and blah blah blah! Little brat."

Oh, so _that_ was the problem. Well...Sakura could understand feeling rejected. She was more used to being rejected by Sasuke than because of him, but still, the same principle applied. Probably.

"Look," Sakura said seriously. "You can't just let your life revolve around one person. You know what your problem is? You're too much of a doormat! If you're always there, people just take you for granted."

"What do you expect me to do? I don't care what you say, I'm not disloyal," Kabuto replied.

"Loyalty is a two way street!" Sakura insisted. "There's no point in devoting yourself to someone who's never going to give anything back. It's just stupid! You should find someone else."

Kabuto stared at her like she was crazy. "I'm a wanted criminal. Where exactly do you think I'm going to find another job?"

It suddenly occurred to Sakura that they were talking about two completely different things. "Oh. Um." She took a swig of sake, blushing furiously.

Kabuto's eyes narrowed. "Wait, you thought...Sakura-chan, that's disgusting. Sasuke's barely legal."

"Well--so are you!" Sakura said, blushing even worse. Why, why, _why_ had she started this conversation in the first place?

"You're the one who brought it up," Kabuto said, shrugging. There was a lull in the conversation, in which Sakura ordered another drink. At least she didn't have to worry about hangovers anymore.

Kabuto glanced at her. "You really think that?"

"Think what?" Sakura said. She was trying to erase all of the previous conversation from her mind.

"That I'm a doormat."

"Well...not literally," Sakura said. Inner Sakura shrieked at her not to even start that again. She did _not_ want to think about this, no she did not...

"At least don't be an idiot on purpose."

Sakura was fairly sure that was an insult, but she shrugged it off with another swig of sake. This was almost certain to make her want to scrub her brain, so being drunk could only help. "Yeah. You really are."

"Huh."

Another pause, in which the bartender decided to just bring them more drinks without being asked. He was going to make a nice profit on those two.

"Do you think it's true?" Sakura said abruptly.

"What?"

"That you need a bloodline limit to be worth training."

Kabuto shrugged. "I don't care if it's true."

Sakura half-smiled. "...yeah. Me neither."

She spent the rest of the night trying to tune out Kabuto's incredibly long list of complaints about 'that brat', and figured her advice probably wasn't all that useful. But to her surprise, the next time they met, Kabuto actually thanked her. He didn't say _why_ he was thanking her, but the incredibly smug look was a bit of a tip-off.

Sakura just smiled and ordered a drink.


	9. Worth the Time

Author's Note: This chapter happens after the timeskip, so there's spoilers for Naruto's post-timeskip training with Kakashi. So...yeah. This is also one of my personal favorite chapters...not that readers really care about that...(laughs) Well...enjoy.

Chapter 9: Worth the Time

_(In which Sakura is reassured that she is indeed worth at least someone's time.)_

She didn't see him for weeks after Naruto's return. Somehow, now that he was back, it seemed wrong to be meeting with a wanted criminal, an enemy of Konoha. The guilt of having found nothing worth telling Naruto about Sound or Sasuke or anything useful at all was rushing back.

It probably shouldn't have surprised her that he caught up with her anyway.

"Missed me, Sakura-chan?"

"No," she said, not looking up from the bottle of sake in front of her. "Taking a risk, aren't you? This is still in Konoha, even if it is a civilian bar."

"Planning to turn me in?"

Against all reason, she wasn't. For one night, she was willing to let him go. She owed him that much, she supposed.

"It's been a while since you've gone drinking."

"You should leave," Sakura said.

"Probably," Kabuto agreed. "Been avoiding me?"

"I should've avoided you in the first place."

Her words didn't interrupt him at all. "Now that Naruto-kun has returned, you have no need to talk to _me_."

Exactly right. Sakura wasn't lonely or desperate or...

"Except that you're here alone. Jealousy...I'm surprised at you, Sakura-chan."

"I'm not jealous," she said, still staring into her cup of sake without taking a sip. "I just--"

"Feel like once again, you've been passed over in favor of Naruto-kun," Kabuto said, finishing the sentence she hadn't been willing to speak in the first place.

She sighed. There was really no point in trying to dodge this one; he probably already knew about Naruto's training. He _was_ a spy, after all. "Kakashi-sensei's training him. A special training method that only Naruto can use, he said." She tilted her head back, emptying the cup of sake and pouring herself another. "He didn't even ask me how my training was going."

"How rude of him."

"Shut up," Sakura said, glaring. "As if you care." Then she sighed again. "Even after all this time...even after all my training...I'm still not good enough. I'm still not even worth my sensei's time." She ran a hand across her face, exhausted and sick of chasing her thoughts around her head. What did she have to do? How much stronger did she have to get before Kakashi-sensei would acknowledge her? How much longer until she could support Naruto, fight beside him as an equal? Would he always be leaving her behind...?

Kabuto shoved back his chair and stood up. "I'm afraid I must be leaving, Sakura-chan. We won't meet again, I suppose."

"We will," Sakura said. "When Naruto and I come to take Sasuke home."

Kabuto smiled. "Of course. Well...until then, Sakura-chan." He paused for a moment. "If it's any consolation...you were worth _my_ time."

Sakura wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know why she felt so lonely once he'd left.


	10. Someday

Author's Note: Well...here it is. The last chapter. This occurs during the Sai arc--the bit at Tenchi Bridge, specifically. So, spoilers for that. Umm...this chapter is more angst and less crack. I'm glad people have enjoyed this fic...I hope you enjoy the ending, too.

Chapter 10: Someday

_(The Final Chapter!)_

Time passed, and Sakura had too much on her mind to think about her lost drinking buddy. She went drinking with Ino, mostly, although that meant never drinking quite as much, and not talking about Sasuke. Sakura couldn't bear to hear his name. Kabuto had known that Sasuke was all right, and had told her as much--but anyone else saying his name made Sakura wonder. Was he still okay? What if Sound decided they didn't need him after all? Too many questions, too many worries.

But things moved on, and for the most part, she put the whole strange experience out of her mind. She didn't expect to see Kabuto again unless it was when she and Naruto went to bring Sasuke home, as she'd often told him.

She certainly didn't expect to see him at Tenchi Bridge.

For all his faults, disloyalty wasn't something Sakura could accuse of Kabuto of. To Leaf, yes, but not to Orochimaru. That Sasori's spy would be someone she had been in contact with for so long...it seemed impossible.

Which made it much easier to believe when he turned around and tried to kill Yamato-taichou.

_"You know, Sakura-chan, someday we may face each other in battle. What will you do then?"_

Just as she'd promised, Sakura was ready to bring Sasuke home.

Too bad it didn't quite work out that way.

When Sakura came to, her head aching where it had hit the bridge, she barely recognized the area anymore. Naruto's chakra-covered form had split the bridge in half, and a pillar of smoke was coming up from the forest.

Here they were in the middle of a disaster, talking casually about Sasori's death, and oh God it felt almost familiar, but Naruto, where was Naruto, what was happening to him?

And he was there, but could she really call that Naruto, this fox-shaped second skin of chakra roiling around him? Seeing him like that, his eyes strange and wild, that terrifying chakra bubbling over his skin...she couldn't lose Naruto, too. She _couldn't_. This time...she would be strong enough.

But her words didn't reach him.

And pain, oh God, pain, burning through her arm like fire, spreading like poison, pain so severe she couldn't stand, couldn't move, didn't know what was happening--

Until it eased, becoming a manageable ache. There was only one other medic there. But...

"Why?"

"Today isn't someday, Sakura-chan," he said softly, smirking as usual, before he disappeared, probably to go find Orochimaru.

Sakura forced herself to her feet. She had to get moving, too; Naruto needed her. That was why he'd fixed her arm, she thought. Because enemies or not, both of them understood what it meant to have a precious person. And somehow, Sakura doubted that either of them were about to let their precious people die.

Sakura ignored the lingering pain in her arm as she prepared to use her medical jutsu.

_Until next time_, she thought.

[the end]


End file.
